Firstly, as you may have noticed, no post yesterday. That’s because I get one day a week free, so give me a break!! There was also the valid excuse that I was preoccupied this Sunday, too.
For the past two and a half years, as you may know, life has changed more than the diaper of an infant just going on solid foods. From the collapse of a relationship I was completely invested in, to 9 months in Norway to heal, to returning to Czech Rep to finally face facts, to fighting depression and massive feelings of guilt and worthlessness, to realising that the one I had tied my life to was actively compounding these emotions upon me and telling falsehoods to mutual contacts to cover her own deceit, to just recently discovering that said ex had been sending saucy texts and nip slip pics to a British coworker for nearly a year and were planning to run off and have children together (with him to leave his wife and three children) all whilst we were not even one year married and later, during the fallout, leading me on at the time to believe that we had a chance to work things out.
This is the nutshell version. Let us just complete this part by stating that I was the one that finally asked for a divorce two years back when I saw there would be no reciprocation upon the part of the manipulative succubus from hell. And I was so close to giving up all I was to satiate her life and torpedo mine to the depths of the deepest seas. The things we do for love, eh?
There have been moments over the recent year that have relegated my self-loathing and depression to the back recessed of the brain, i.e. building the tiny house and my confidence again, the anti-depressants and, of course all the news back to me concerning how much of a raging pile of moose mess this woman is, but yesterday was the finality of all my dealings (not that there have been much … haven’t physically seen one another nor had an actual phone conversation in over two years and divorce was finalised in February, though as it coincided with my birthday, I didn’t want to spoil my time or mood, so I faked being out of the country and got permission from the courts allowing me to be absent from the proceedings) when I organised transport and help to collect the last of my personal belongings from the previous cottage and left the key behind, officially ending that disappointing chapter of my life … the Highlander II of marriages (if you know, you KNOW).
So I can already hear a few of the voices in the crowd shouting out some of the same commentary I have heard over the years, which I shall address here now.
“Move on and get over it”
This one is typically expressed by either those that have never been in a long-term relationship or those that have not been with a partner in ages. There is the ‘look at me not worrying about being single, so you shouldn’t’ attitude … or they do not really wish to listen as it makes them uncomfortable and cannot relate. This version is also exclaimed by those that have never lost anything in a relation, which is what I had to hear from a sister of said vampire hell-spawn as they proceeded to lay claim to everything I once owned and held dear. “I know you lost your wife, home, cats and everything you worked on for so many years … and now I have all that … so get over it and move on.”
“Aren’t you are being kinda a dick?”
Yes … I am. And I deserve to be. After scouring for ways to deal with my pain, sorrow, shame, disgust in myself … I nearly took my life twice and even wrote a suicide note to my child … how fucked up is that??? … and then discovering that all your feelings, care, love, the hell you put yourself, your family and friends through as they worried about you were all unwarranted for someone that was lying, covering up their own faults and refusing to take on any responsibility, you tend to be a tad miffed. They had found a way to twist a knife into me, and I was willingly stepping into the blade because nothing was more of a priority to me than saving the marriage and trying to be better … for them. They demanded I alter my complete world and bow to them in penitence … with my sole request to take five days to help me move back from Norway and spend that time together. When that was far to much of an interference in their all-encompassing work life, the decision to end the marriage was all I was left to give. I was not even worth their time. Of course I didn’t know they were in another sexual relation and planning another life. To be honest, it is not even about the infidelity (my track record at being faithful has not always been of grand moral standing in the past, either) … it is far more about their utter lack of respect and willingness to rip me to shreds just so they could hide their tracks but still trying to keep me just barely within reach in case their new option fell through.
A massive learning curve I had to navigate was the suppressing of one emotion I tried to avoid through all – anger. I did not want to be mad, not only because I was tricked into believing I was the supreme cause of the fall but also that I wanted to be the one that held on, showed I cared no matter what, express my regret and shortcomings so they could see me as worthy. However, bending over and taking it like a subservient prison bitch without the option of lube just did not suit me well. Was I at fault for things and deserved a good tossing of salad? Hell yes! I should have done so much differently, and I was more than willing to go through whatever trails I must to be a better husband and, eventually, father again. But it was not mutual … and if I am the only one being forced to crawl across broken glass and citrus as you watch in glee, knowing you can hurt me for your own pleasure and feeling of accomplishment, then you can suck a fart. After this, the conclusion came that I have the absolute right to be pissed off.
And I am ‘over it’. But that does not mean I am not peeved by what happened and what recently came to light. I truly do not miss her, the cottage, the previous life, though I DO miss the cats, but I am grateful to be out of the shit-show she was making me run through after said glass and crawling session. I am even content with myself and happy to be single. And I still believe in love! Helpless romantic, me! I am in possession of friends I appreciate, a really nice place to live that I built by hand, a child that is the light that guides me, a supportive family and, though not what I fully want it to be just yet, an enjoyable life that I am excited to be able to live with new experiences and skills to learn. It is not always easy, but I am hopeful … and it is good to be back to this feeling again and have all those years finally closed off behind a locked door with no key. I am truly free now, and damn it feels good!
Ahhhhh … so good to get that out!! Sometimes you gotta just vent and release the last of all that pent up annoyance. And if you do not agree, then you too can suck a fart! :) Such a great expression!
